Movie Reviews.

As I said in my last post, I'm totally sniping my friend's idea for a blog post and will review movies that I've seen over here in Sevilla. I'm not one of those snobs that only watches "good" movies either - absolutely shit-tastic movies are just as amazing to watch, MST3K style. That won't stop me from talking about obscure movies, however. Also, to keep with the whole Spanish business, most of these I ended up finding a version with Spanish dubs or at least Spanish subs. Unforunately, most only had subs. oh well. Also also, it may seem like all I do here is watch movies according to this list, but I only average one a week. Actually, I don't have to explain myself. HERE WE GO.

ARBITRARY MOVIE REVIEWS

1) Eastern Promises (2007)

Arbitrary Rating: Pretty damn good

This came out of nowhere for me. A series of off-tangent wikipedia searches led me to this movie. Why hadn't I heard about it in 2007?! Right from the get-go, this film has three things that I absolutely love: Naomi Watts whose character doesn't annoy the shit out of me (like she did in "The Ring," "King Kong," "Funny Games," "Mulholland Drive." Wow, that's actually a huge list.), Viggo Mortensen (arguably one of my favorite actors, incredibly underrated), and good Russian accents. It's hard not to describe the plot without revealing spoilers, but essentially Naomi Watts plays a nurse in London who helps a young Russian girl give birth to a baby, and the girl dies in childbirth. Watts finds the girl's diary and learns about the twisted ways of the Russian mob operating in London. Shit goes down. Acting is superb, with Viggo pulling a DiCaprio and learning every single aspect of a Russian mobster before performing his role. It shows. 

2) The Mark of Caïn (2001)

Arbitrary Rating: Legitimately cool story, bro

As far as documentaries go, the overall quality of this one was pretty average. Production, pacing, stuff like that - all decent, but not amazing. However, if you became inordinately intrigued by the concepts presented in "Eastern Promises," then this will literally answer all of your questions. The documentary examines the dying tradition of Russian prison/criminal tattoos. The content of his documentary is amazing, and some of the shots of actual Russian prisons, actual Russian inmates, and the terrible conditions they have to deal with makes this a fairly powerful film. If you're unlike me and just went "meh" after seeing "Eastern Promises," then don't watch this documentary.

3) The Warrior's Way (2010)

The top caption is the best way to get people to see this movie

Arbitrary Rating: What the fuck did I just watch

Background: I was pretty sick last Saturday, to the point that I could barely even get out of bed. Thus, Saturday = movie day. Anyways, if Stephen Chow wrote and directed this movie, it would have been infinitely better. That being said, it wasn't the worst thing in the world. The first couple minutes got my hopes up. It had the makings of being an insanely goofy violent-western-samurai-comedy-movie. However, after 20 minutes it just turned into Kate Bosworth with a comically terrible southern/cowboy-esque accent, Geoffrey Rush (having recently seen his great performance in El Discurso del Rey) as an alcoholic sniper (yes I said that correctly), and a crazy silent Asian swordsman protagonist that makes all other characters' roles absolutely pointless. This swordsman literally just kills shart-loads of people in silly stylistic ways. But nothing came of it. The plot was nonexistent (protagonists kills literally everyone to become "the best," except this this stupid baby. Now his own clan wants him dead for not killing baby. Insert ninjas and cowboys. They all die. The end.). Again, this isn't the WORST example of a nonsensical-asian-happy-violent-action-movie. But when there's "Kung Fu Hustle," who needs anything else.

except I actually was.

4) I Saw the Devil (2010)

Arbitrary Rating: My rating comes in the form of this picture

I love foreign movies. Specifically, I love Korean and Japanese movies. Specifically specifically I love absurdly-violent-yet-extremely-amazing-by-the-virtue-that-they're-actually-good movies. "I Saw the Devil" is a beautiful example of this, although I will admit right away that it's not the best in its genre.Following in the footsteps of the master, Chan-wook Park ("Oldboy," hell, Kim even casts Min-sik Choi, the protagonist of "Oldboy," as the bad guy in his movie) Kim directs a movie about the malleability of one's moral compass when against a force truly evil. I'm going to keep comparing this movie to "Oldboy" because it's one of my favorite movies ever.

- Overall less disturbing than Oldboy, but only slightly.

- The plot and structure of the film is straightforward, so the viewer is just there for the ride. The ending does not hit you like a ton of bricks like Oldboy

- Min-sik Choi is the perfect antagonist, and Byung-hun Lee is perfect as the "good guy"

- There's this one scene that made me absolutely squirm. If a scene can still do that to me, I am impressed.

5) Spirited Away (2001)

Arbitrary Rating:  If you still haven't seen this movie or didn't like it, fuck you

While I was sick last Saturday I was reading about a new animated movie Miyazaki wrote that is coming out, and it hit me that I really need to see this movie again. It's almost perfect. Do yourself a favor and see it. And if you are one of those people that claim "oh it's an ANIME lol, how can it possibly be good," refer again to the statement above.

6) A Serbian Film (2010)

Arbitrary Rating 1: If I were to run for Congress and it's somehow revealed that I've seen this movie, there's no way in hell I'd get elected

Arbitrary Rating 2: If you thought "The Human Centipede" was even remotely disgusting, do not see this movie

Arbitrary Rating 3: By me telling you not to see this, you'll probably see it anyways.

When interviewed how/why he made such a film, the screenwriter/director responded,  "This is a diary of our own molestation by the Serbian government... It's about the monolithic power of leaders who hypnotize you to do things you don't want to do. You have to feel the violence to know what it's about." I suppose in retrospect that's what I saw. Who am I kidding, this movie's got rape written all over it - literally. I had seen clips of this movie shortly after it was available and I only saw it because of my need to see the most violent/disgusting film. This is it. Rape, infant-rape, skull-fucking, pole-fucking, rigor-mortis rape, murder-rape. You think I'm joking right now, but I literally could not have made this stuff up to save my life. It never makes you squirm though, which was the interesting part for me. The progression of the film actually pacifies you, paralyzes you, and progressively desensitizes you. So, by the most gruesome parts, you're just stting there accepting it. I suppose that's what the screenwriter wanted. Damn.

7) Four Lions (2010)

Arbitrary Rating: A brilliant film and astonishingly funny

Except I'm serious. I had zero expectations before seeing it, as I had heard absolutely nothing about it. As it turns out, it's essentially every American conservative's nightmare - British people. Even worse - British jihadists. Even worse worse - A comedy about British jihadists who want to join Al Qaeda/Taliban. It's a dark comedy that's absurdly intelligent. It's not like "The Hangover" funny, it's definitely more Simon Pegg/Nick Frost ("Shaun of the Dead," "Hot Fuzz.") Obviously so, it's a British film. It's really good.

8) The Midnight Meat Train (2008)

Arbitrary Rating: This is going to be a cult-classic one of these days

Biggest WTF ending I've seen since "Oldboy." But not like "OHHHHHH THAT CHANGES EVERYTHING" - definitely like "WHAT IS THIS, I DON'T EVEN." Still, it's got Bradley Cooper, Brooke Shields and Vinnie Jones. It's a good movie to watch with your buds. It's not good, per se, but it has its awesome "oh that did NOT just happen" moments. All in all, I approve.

9) Taken (2008) i.e. Liam Neeson Fucks Shit Up

Arbitrary Rating: Absolutely the best movie ever made. Period.

I've seen it quite a few times already, but THIS time I found a Spanish dub WITH Spanish subs. I just couldn't pass that up. But yeah, without actually being that great this movie is a one-man Liam Neeson train. He just spends the entire movie being the best dad ever. And killing. And being a bad-ass.

ONE SENTENCE REVIEWS FOR MOVIES THAT AREN'T NECESSARILY BETTER THAN THE PREVIOUSLY REVIEWED MOVIES

Today's my host-mom's birthday, so we (my host mom, me, and her 3 daughters) are heading to a nearby restaurant for some postres. So here are some other movies I've seen that can be summarized in a sentence

10) Let Me In (2010)

Rating: Don't see this, see "Let the Right One In," the original Swedish version.

-if it were an original concept, I would take the time to give it a decent review.

11) También la Lluvia (2010) (Even the Rain)

Rating: meta as shit

- I actually just remembered about this one but I'm too lazy to give it the credit it deserves. One more sentence, I saw this IN theatres here (obviously in Spanish, without subtitles) - it's ambicious and sentimental without being full of itself.

12) Cidade de Deus (2002)

Rating: The Portuguese "Pulp Fiction"

- I've seen this a bunch, but it was on TV in Spanish, and it's still fantastuc.

Fin

Stay tuned this week, as I'm going to write a post about the music I've been listening to over here. 

As always, here's my recommended song: Peter Fox - Alles Neu

I made friends with a group of Germans here, and they have shown me some popular German music. I personally like this guy.